Why Are The Parents Of A Girl Failing To Protect Her From Domestic Violence?

Recently the death of airhostess Anissia Batra shook me. She was a beautiful, educated and empowered woman who was working with Lufthansa Airlines. Her dad is a Major General who had served army for 40yrs. She is from a well off family. It made me wonder why are women who are empowered willing to go through domestic violence? They are married for over 2yrs now and as per her parents her husband had started beating her from their honeymoon for dowry and other issues. But even then she chose to stay in this marriage for 2+ years and finally had to take her life to end the misery!!

So many questions came into my mind after I read all the news. I was surprised to see that her parents allowed her to stay in that miserable marriage all this time even though they knew what she was going through. They knew that she was undergoing physical violence from her husband, they knew her husband and in laws were harassing her for dowry. They had even filed a case against them in June mentioning that if anything happens to their daughter her in laws and husband are responsible. Instead of doing all this, had they taken their daughter to their house and protected her, she would have been alive now.

Why are Indian parents so reluctant to protect their daughters after marriage even though they know that she is suffering? Is the society more important to them than their daughter? In this case the parents, the news reporters and the public everyone is blaming her husband and in laws. Of course they are on the wrong side and they have to be blamed and they ought to get punished for the harassment. But aren't the parents of the girl on the wrong side too? She was their daughter and they got her married. They knew he used to beat her and harass for dowry and other issues. Why did they not bring her back to her house? What took them so long to even file a complaint against her husband even though he was torturing her by even locking up in a room?

It really saddens me to think that society matters more to the parents than their daughter's life. A parents' responsibility towards a daughter does not end with her marriage. So what, if she is not able to stay in the marital relationship and if she wants to move out? Is the world going to end because of that? How does it really matter what the neighbours or relatives say? Ultimately it is your life and it should be your decision based on what you are going through. No one else will truly understand that except you. 

It is high time we as a society realise this and support the victims instead of the accused. Instead of shaming the victim who has taken courage to move out of a violent relationship saying that she should have tried better to make the marriage work, let us lend a helping hand to anyone who needs it to make them feel better. No relationship is going to get better if only one person tries. Both the persons involved have to equally try and mend their ways if necessary, if you want it to work. 

Marriage is not the ultimate thing in life and divorce is not the end of life. Unless we as a society realise this or rather most importantly the parents of daughters realise this, the deaths due to domestic violence is not going to end.

Are parents only a son's responsibility?

I live abroad. Off late I have seen quite a few instances where guys have asked their wives to stay back at their home in India to take care of their parents. Recently my colleague was mentioning he has asked his wife to stay back at his home as his parents will be bored without grandchildren! They are old and there's noone to take care of them. She was working here and after having second kid he told her to quit job and go to India. Another instance where my husband's friend told his wife and kids to stay back in his house as his mom was alone there after his dad passed away.

The irony in both these situations is that in one case they have a daughter who is living just 10kms away from the parents house and another one has two sisters living in India. But even then in both these cases its their wives who are taking care of their parents. No, don't get me wrong that am against in taking care of in laws. The point is when you have your own kids living near by why is it expected that it's a son's responsibility alone to look after parents? I just thought about those ladies who are staying apart from their husbands and looking after their kids alone. Won't they have wish to stay together with their husband? Wouldn't they want to go to their home and spend some time with their parents as well? What if it's only daughters for their parents or what if they are a single child like me for their parents? As girls don't we have any responsibility towards our parents?

I asked my colleague you have your sister living so close by to your parents' home so won't she look after your parents when you are not at home? For which he replied in their place society will talk about them if she takes up her parents' responsibility. It's generally only the son who takes care of them. I was shocked to hear his reply. It's we who make up the society. Boys and girls are educated by their parents and married off once the time comes. But still doesn't a girl have any responsibility towards her parents? We make up the society. So unless we change ourselves how can we expect the society to change? I always believe in the phrase change begins at home. Unless we show ourselves as an example to our kids how will they learn anything different? We sure have a long way to go to break all these patriarchal norms. Will it change any day? Well, only time can say that cos' there are still people around us in our generation who still believe that only sons should take the onus of parents.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this and how we can change these norms for good. 

Daughters of Arabia..

This is a book written by Jean Sasson. It's one of the most touching books I have ever read. This is the real life story of Princess Sultana's children. Princess Sultana is the Saudi princess. Jean Sasson has previously written about Princess Sultana and her siblings in her previous books. Those books are equally good as this as well.

The book makes us ponder about the life behind the veils in Saudi. To the outside world they have money and they belong to the royal family. But do they really have what every woman yearn for? Freedom and respect. Sultana's dad loved only her brother Ali and none of his daughters. The disparity can clearly be seen and according to him only his son existed and not any of his other daughters. Ali grew up seeing how girls are treated in his family and there is no wonder that he became a man for whom woman is only for sex and nothing more. It shows the sad state of men who knows nothing but to insult women. In Daughter's of Arabia Ali's son is seen to be exactly like Ali for whom woman is only a sex object. He meets a white woman in a party and gets friendly with her. He was expecting her to go with him to an apartment for which the woman denied and he got furious over her. He wanted to release his sexual desires and anger over her that he drives like mad that night in search for a white woman and finally ends up in a hospital. There he saw a white woman laying alone in a room. She was in coma due to an accident. He uses her to release his desire and walks out. Can it get any worse than this? Yes, it can! 3 months later the woman was found pregnant. She was in coma for 6months and 3 months pregnant. There was a witness and using their royal power Ali suppress him by giving him money and sends him out of Saudi. Also Ali does not leave any chance to curse that woman saying that she provoked his son and how his son landed in trouble because of her!!

Yes, this was in the 90s and things have improved a lot now to the extent that Saudi women can drive cars. But aren't they still a lot behind the other countries in this 21st century? What can you expect the kids to be if they see their fathers showing least respect to their mother or any woman as a matter of fact.

The book starts by showing how Sultana had landed herself into trouble because of the previous books by Jean Sasson in which she herself had talked to her about the women's problems in Saudi to write in the book. It shows the extreme to which a man can go to disrespect a woman.It also shows the sad state of some pathetic laws where in a man can 'ask for sex' at any time of the day or night and the woman has to agree. If she doesn't then she will be divorced.

Overall it's a very good read and a must read for anyone who loves to read. It brings out all the emotions from someone who can be empathetic towards the women mentioned in the book! 

When I first ran..

For someone who has been plump all her life, running 5 kms. is a big achievement!

Yes, I have always been a plump person who was body shamed from childhood (or rather who is still body shamed), and I couldn't run even for 1 minute continuously without puffing and panting. I have always admired runners and wanted to incorporate running in my weight-loss journey, but I could never do that as I was scared to run and being mocked at. But, relocating to a new country and gyms being super expensive here, I started with home workouts. But soon, I found out that I did not have enough motivation to workout at home daily, and hence, I started to go for walks. For a person who loved walking it was quite refreshing, and I used to be mostly regular with my walks. But, I noticed that I wasn't losing any weight with my walking regime.

Meanwhile, the doctor asked me to reduce a few kgs as well, as we were trying to conceive. So, I did not have any choice, but to get out of the house and start to jog/run. I made up my mind and took the courage to start running. I had heard a lot about the C25K app. It is an 8-week running plan for beginners to run 5km. I had used it before, but I had never crossed the week 3 of the running plan. However,  this time I was determined. So, I downloaded it, put on my running shoes, and got out of the house at 6 am in the morning. I found it very difficult in the beginning to run for even 1.5minutes to start with. But eventually, I noticed that I could run continuously for 3mins, then 5mins, and then 8mins by the end of week 5. This motivated me to not give up, irrespective of whether I was losing weight or not, or if I was mocked at or not.

I followed the plan religiously (though I did take a few unavoidable breaks in between, I was mostly regular). By the end of 8 weeks, TADA! I RAN FOR 5KM and completed it in 32mins, which later on I realised is NOT BAD AT ALL FOR A BEGINNER LIKE ME! It was a moment of pride for me. I know many of you will be thinking that what's so big a deal about it? But, considering the body shaming I have gone through and considering that there was no one to motivate me or push me, IT WAS AN ACHIEVEMENT FOR ME! Even now, I incorporate 5 km runs in my weight loss journey. I continue running for 5 kms a few times a week, and that happy feeling of running continuously for 5 kms cannot be explained.

Running is liberating. It releases positive endorphins. It is the best thing to do if you are suffering from anxiety or depression. I personally felt that my mood is always better on the days when I have worked out.

I would like to give a few simple tips to persons like me who want to run, but are scared to start running for various reasons.

• C25K is a good app for beginners to start running. Download it on your phone and start following the plan religiously.
• Never underestimate yourself and your will power. There will be a lot of people (including your dear ones) to mock you or to put you down. Just focus on yourself and don't give a damn about them.
• Don't ever think how will it look like when you run. Trust me it doesn't matter, no matter where you are.

Most importantly, there will always be people to criticize you - pointing out that you are not losing weight, irrespective of your efforts or the 5 kms run. Just turn a deaf ear to them and continue doing what makes you feel good. That feeling you get after your continuous 5 kms run is inexplicable, which is what matters!

So ladies, what are you waiting for? GO FOR IT!